Comparison.
Recently my husband shared with me that there is a sister in our Ward (don't worry, I have NO idea who it is) who stopped reading my blog recently because it was making her feel inadequate. It made me feel bad. I wanted to find out who it was (although I wouldn't) and hug her and say to her that my house is a mess, my bedroom floor is covered in unfolded laundry that recently broke the fall of Jude as he rolled off the bed (this is why being messy is so handy) and that I am largely a mess.
I try and be brutally honest on my blog about real life and our family's trials and shortcomings (see this post from a few years back), but the fact remains that blog-land is a place of magnification. Highs seem higher and lows seem lower. Others' talents seem unattainable and our own talents seem diminished. Although I am fully aware of this, I am guilty of the same assumptions that what is on someone's blog is an accurate representation of an entire life.
It is not.
And, as I have contemplated this concept this week, I have realized that (for me anyway) what we see as perfect in others lives is what we feel inadequate in. When I read blogs or Facebook posts of women I know - I assume that the writer's house is in perfect condition. It's my first assumption. Because that is an area of MY life in which I feel completely inadequate. In fact, I feel like a failure.
When someone sees my blog with a crafty item I made or a designed print for my Etsy shop, they may feel like I am doing it all. As if I somehow cover every base in life and THEN also have time to create. Not so. None of us can cover every base. Ever. If you see my CRAFTING base covered, it means another base is left alone and perishing. And the base is probably covered with dirty laundry.
This reminded me of a talk by Elder Uchtdorf (Oct 2011 General Conf). In it he said,
"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we
spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually
comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create
expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we
never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what
someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses."
I don't mind that a Sister in our Ward needed to stop reading my blog, but I do want her to know that I am succeeding at some things and miserably failing at others. I am trying to be better at the things I fail at, but I may never get there. And maybe you're there already. Know that, whoever you are, you are succeeding at a great many things! Things I only dream of succeeding at. It may not seems as glamorous as a hand-designed Valentine, but may be even more important to the happiness of your family. That thing you are far better at than I am is a talent you have been given from God to help build up His kingdom. Something you were born to do.
Dear, dear Emilie,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, please know that I am not the sister who has stopped reading your blog, because I have very little time to read anything right now. But I want you to know how much I appreciate your comments. Since I joined the Church, I too have been struggling with that 'comparison' thing, and Teddy is so right, it does rob us of the joy we can find in friendship and love from sisters who have so much to share.
I so agree that the image we project is so not who we really are! The sister who seems standoffish and a little cold, may just be shy. The woman who never smiles and seems to rival Oscar for the title of Grouch of the Month, may be facing heartache, disappointment and loneliness; and the sister who seems to be able to do it all, well, we know deep down she really can't do it all. Because no one of us can do it all, no matter how hard we try, and none of us are really very different. We are all struggling with something, every day. Some days are better than others, and some are not.
The important thing to remember is to love each other, sometimes it feels so hard to do, but just keep trying. Reach out and lift someone, especially those who are not so lovable. We have to put ourselves 'out there,' get outside our comfort zone. It can be scary, but there are so many wonderful people out there, who just need our love and kindness, and who knows, they may just become our new best friend.
Sisters, don't be intimidated by what you think is someone's exuberant personality, or calling, financial status, educational prowess, or spiritual elevation. We are really all the same; our spirits crave love and understanding, a kind word, a smile, a hug, and in our own unique way we are all struggling to win that love from those around us.
Treat everyone the same, as the Savior did! Love one another as I have loved you, He said, this is the new great commandment. As He said, "take my yoke upon you, for it is light." Loving is much less stressful than comparing!
So, thank you dear Emilie for sharing your thoughts so eloquently, and there are a few things I'd like you to show me how to do, because I love the fact that you are so creative. Maybe there is something about me, that I can share with you. I'd love, love, love to be your friend!
Pat